Did you know that i can remember my 5th birthday party? well bits of it. i can remember my cake with little plastic Womble characters on it, and for those of you who are too old or young to remember the Womble's they lived on Wimbledon common in a house which was made from 100% recycled materials, them guys were ahead of their times, as anyone who lives in a real house and not a block of flats is encouraged to do recycling, but the 100 or so people who live in council blocks are just expected to fill up the bin chute with babies nappy's and the boxes from ready meals, so no pressure on the poor, just the nice nice people feeling good about themselves for "doing their bit" which on contrast to the amount of houses to estates up and down the country is pretty much a waste, but better than nothing i suppose.
the thing about remembering stuff so far back is your not sure what you actually see and what bits your brain automaticly fills in by itself, well thats how my childhood is remembered by me, it little bits n bobs, some of it great like going on holiday to Spain, even though it was on a coach which took about 28 hours if i remember correctly, i was 13 so not so much a baby, but a long time ago still (22 years to be precise, even saying that makes me cringe). i remember my mum bought me black converse boots because she said they were going to be in fashion soon (i only had to wait 20 years for them to come into fashion, its just a shame i don't have them any more coz i could be one cool mother fucker and tell everyone how i am 20 years ahead of style!! take note GOK)
The year was 1998 and life wasnt that bad if you knew how to get what you want. by this i mean if i wanted something i went and stole it from the shops, i wasnt a stranger to having a party with my best friend Eileen, we used to go to Woolworths in Peckham and basically nick everything we needed for a party, including party poppers, toys, sweets and anything else we see fit to take. it was a laugh and only my cousin Jamie ever got caught nicking a torch from Woolworths and he was 2 years younger than me so he just put on the waterworks and they let him go, even saying he can keep the torch..result.
So on this holiday was My cousins Steven, Jamie, my Mum and the Bloke she was cheating on her boyfriend with Lesley, i fucking hated Lesley but i have to admit he knew how to bribe me, he would give me £5 and tell me to fuck off as he wanted to spend some time with my Mum, now seeing as he has given me money i was only willing to do as
i was told. (i remember being about 11 and having to go to a pub in Havil street and they had the original Mario Brothers, he gave me enough money over the months of going there to clock the whole fucking game)
Lesley used to have all these cockney mannerisms and sayings that guaranteed that i would think he was a knob, but like i said he knew his way round a bribe & used to buy me stuff all the time to impress my mum, this particular bribe was a holiday for my 13th birthday and who was i to say No? i was taught to respect your elders, well whilst they are saying or doing something that's in your own benefit. His favourite saying seemed to be "Think about it" which he added to the end of any sentence where he was giving you any sort of Life advice or general "Lesley wisdom" as kids we took the piss out of him pretty hardcore, constantly repeating "Think about it" like parrots who only know one word.
whilst on this Free holiday we were told there would be a fancy dress competition for men to dress up as women, my cousins were only too happy to play dress up in womens clothes but me being a stush Jamaican from birth i thought it was very gay and not my thing. My Mum then put alot of pressure on me to enter as i was not getting it the spirit of things.
i basically had to wear my mums blouse, bra and skirt and wear make up, which felt wrong. we were ushered into a room where some guys were taking it far too seriously and the hotel owners were plying people with free alcohol to help them relax or groom them as i see now.
My biggest worry as a child must of been what shall i do tomorrow, how do you go back to that easy carefree way of thinking?
Saturday was the first proper night out i have had in ages, went to sum illegal rave which was quite exciting, where your in a disused office complex with pained walls covered in graffiti, listening to house music surrounded by people smoking & openly taking drugs, you buy tokens at the cloakroom for drinks..genius system lol
Then after the fact they have no air con and we couldn't breathe we went on to cable to another house night, this night was full of people i recognised from Bermondsey and Dj'ing about town, the highlight of my night was a girl i know who hasnt seen me for years coming up to me and said "sorry for staring but do you know who you look like?" I said NO..."Danny Blaze" hahaha i was just glad it wasnt Garry Glitter (yes i always mention his name it gives me jokes)
#BFGW
So Paddy gets a new car twice a year, he then takes it to the cemetery to show it off to his son who died 14 years prior in a car accident (No Irony there whatsoever), i did write some awful tweets last night about this incident which had me pissing myself laughing, but i will write a couple here but please remember its only a little joke.
"From paddy: Dear Dead son hope you like the new whip (car), its just like the one that run you over, but newer"
"Paddy is like the King of the Gypsies, if he knocks on your door & wants to fuck ur Gypo bride u have to let him #GypoRules"
So back to business.. Paddy seems to be a highly respected member of the gypsy community and featured on Danny Dyers deadliest men, so u no if Danny Dyer rates him, he must be Good, lol Paddy has over 70 Godchildren which makes me think he is somehow charging for this service, i mean why the fuck would you want to spend your life having to mind other peoples kids, maybe a couple i understand, ive got a God daughter, but i draw the line at 5, so 70 is just showing off or a lucrative business.
We still didn't get to find out the source of Paddy or any of the other "gentlemen" (see what i did there? i called em a nice name) incomes, i mean you can buy pegs in the pound shop and the most you pay for a bit of Lucky Heather is a fucking pound.
i did hear the words "scrap metal" & "tarmacking" mentioned but you would have to pave the M25 to be able to afford 2 new cars a year? well that or new cars cost £6.47 as ive never bought a car from the showroom.
We also got to meet violet who at 22 was an old bride, but looking at the state of her i reckon shes been Grabbed more times than the cordless microphone at a Garage rave, she was marrying some dude who didnt want to be shown on telly, i dont blame him, shes fucking butters. but she was brought up in a house and had a job, but gave up living in a house and her Job to live in a caravan next to a motorway, so we know shes got her head screwed on.. or not, i just think her mum was pleased to be getting rid of her, saying stuff like "if she tries to come back we wont have her, she has to work at the marriage", lets just hope violets anonymous husband dont beat her ah!
Just been told our comedy Big and Clever podcast has had over 5000 downloads on iTunes which is an amazing achievement seeing as it is totally unscripted & has no financial backing or plugging other than us plugging it on our Twitter & facebook, really hoping it leads to a successful stand up career & a radio show on a legal station in London. so if you haven't listened or downloaded it yet, come on what are you waiting for? the direct link is bellow and we are recording episode number 6 this coming Sunday at True mansions, if you want to raise any topics, send us Garry news, or any funny stories please do so as, its only done to entertain. (and the radio show, get rich, meet women, help with stand up, get groupies, get paid work and so forth lol)
http://itunes.apple.com/gb/podcast/big-clever-truevip/id411049804
So do Try have a listen :-)
right lastly its V day next week and for all single crew it might aswell be American independence day for all the use it is, i did have some random ideas to ring all the nice resturants and book all the tables so no smarmy in love merchant can show how cool he is A. by having a girlfriend and B. that he managed to get a table lol. Think we all need to unite and ruin the days of all happy in love peoples. obviously this is all down to bitterness and twisted logic but all good fun in your mind as long as you don't actually try and ruin anyone's V day lol
So if you lot have got any anti V day plans i want you to share them with me so i can write about any good ones in next weeks blog
right so until next week, please try get in touch with your feedback, it all does get read and replied to!! take care until then and if i dont see you through the week i will see you through the window (yeah i don't understand it either) xx
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