12th april 2010

When I started writing these blogs back in October last year I wasn’t really sure what I was doing or what I was hoping to achieve, and as time has gone on I still don’t know what my end game is, but I do know that when somebody comes up to me when I’m out and says they enjoy reading them it encourages me to carry on writing them and makes the whole “baring my soul” worth it. I have friends to say that I give too much of my private life away to these blogs but at the end of the day I like to get stuff off my chest and it really does help. If there is something I feel is too personal I just don’t mention it, so with all that out the way now and some major hinting about feedback on my part, sit down arms folded and fingers on lips and I shall begin.
Last week was absolute chaos but quite controlled as I was out dropping of tickets for exposure at coliseum (more about that later), I don’t know how or why some people leave it until the last minute to buy tickets for a night out, after all what would they do it the night did sell out and they couldn’t go? I did manage to go to the right place and phone the wrong person to meet me, they rang back and said they was at falcon road in Clapham junction when I was sitting waiting by Flaxman road which is a few miles away, it wasn’t until I got near to junction that I realized that I had got the numbers mixed up and had to go back to Flaxman road after dropping the junction tickets off, yes a bit of a div by all accounts on that particular day.
on Friday I went out over west end during the day and sank a few rose wines, and ended up going to see one of my favourite comedians from back in the day, Mr Ricky Grover. He is a very funny working class comedian and if you get the chance to see him I highly recommend you get on the case selector!! After a few more wines the party ended up in Yates in Lester square which was only £5 to get in and a bottle of wine was less than £8 which is a result in my book seeing as its £19 a bottle in the comedy store. After around 6 bottles of the worlds finest and worst rose wine I decided to call it a night and grab a taxi, so just behind Yates is a cab station. When I asked about a quote home which is about 4 maybe 5 miles at a push I was quoted £30, as which I asked if the driver was going to perform oral sex on me once at my destination. On finding out that the £30 quoted was only for driving me I politely told them to fuck off the robbing cunts, and jumped in a black cab which was about £16 from what I can remember, but I did tell him to keep the chance (yes I know your thinking “what a fucking gent”, well if the cap fits lol)
as most of you know I am trying out this stand up comedy thing and I will get there when the time is right, I am in no rush because I believe you have to do your time before you should expect anything to come of it, its just common sense that tells me that, its like some guy buying decks and a few tunes and declaring that he is a dj and wants to be booked for the main room in the ministry of sound which is a bad attitude to have seeing as the time and preparation put in is not enough to warrant the so called prize. Now with comedy there is an observation that most comedians are middle class or the ones I seem to see are, people like Michael Macintyre are well educated guys who dumb themselves down to talk to the “common people”, if Michael Macintyre came to your house to fix your washing machine you would feel something was amiss. But comics like Mickey Flannigan and Ricky Grover to name two are working class comics who blow the middle class guys out of the water but don’t seem to get as much love from the industry. In short I am hoping that I can find my place in comedy by being as good as Mickey and Ricky (wow now they sound like some gay couple lol) but gaining the success of respected stand ups such as Michael Macintyre and Frankie Boyle.

My son has decided that he wants to go in the army and is nearly at the age where he can join up, now for some parents the thought of their only son going into the army scares the hell out of them, but after 5 years at cadets I can see why he would want to be apart of something that teaches our kids to stick together, because when he was a lot younger he was a bit naughty and I was a bit worried I might be going to visit the little fucker in jail one day which is not a good thought for any parent to have. After the shoplifting incident where a bottle of jack Daniels was nicked which he still swears was his friend, but he was also banned from Bromley shopping centre, so I guess they believed he was some part of.
I think the sort of responsibility places like cadets offer encourages kids to behave and see that they can do something fun and independent of their families which at an age where all kids want to do is not be in the house unless it involves facebook and MSN. When I was about 14 me and my cousin Jamie joined the Lambeth scouts and for some unknown reason we were given our own group which was the Owls, now I didn’t think owls were cool or even much use in the grand scheme of things but I was the leader of the owls and set about trying to be a good leader.
Now being the leader I got a badge which I wore with pride, now my mum not being much cop with a sewing needle I had to use that wonder web stuff to iron on the badges I got from the scouts, which was a bit shit, but looking back I should of just done it myself instead of relying on anyone else to do it, after all I managed to sew some bloody thing at primary school which was basically a red bit of woven material with loads of holes in it, then I had somehow managed to sew the word DANNY into it, 10 out of 10 for that my son but couldn’t managed to sew on badges that were the size of 20p pieces.
I remember going away to scout camp and sharing a 12 man tent with my cousin who used to wet every bloody bed the fucker slept in, I think we was the poor kids to be honest, we had our own group, our own tent and done our own thing. We did make friends with the other kids. One day it was suggested by the scout leader that me and Jamie should build a Bivouac (now for those of you that have no idea what that is, let me explain. Whilst firming it in the great or not so great out doors, you cant avoid bringing a tent with you in favour of building your very own shelter from twigs, branches and string, and if you are feeling like action man you can cover it in grass of something to help protect it from the British weather). So me and Jamie constructed this shelter from all manor of branches and general stuff you can find in the forest, which is mainly branches to be honest. We even made a door for it, yes we were finally on the property ladder with our own house in some field up against a tree. Now remembering Jamie wets every bed he sleeps in, I ordered him as his older cousin not to piss the sleeping bag in our new outdoor flat. He swore he wouldn’t.
So cue two o’clock in the morning on our first night in out new yard...Jamie wakes up shouting that he needs to go to the toilet, now seeing as our new house was new Jamie couldn’t find the door we had made because it all looked the same, so rather than piss the sleeping bag he ran through the wall of the shelter and made a great big fucking hole in the side, like the hulk running through a bit of plasterboard. So for the rest of the night we froze, but it was that of be warm covered in piss and I had had enough of waking up with warm feet as me and Jamie had to top n tail in his single bed as kids, I swear that’s what made my feet smell as a kid. And don’t worrie they don’t smell now.

Next week I am launching a brand new weekly Thursday night of old skool garage at one of our bars, it will run from 8pm until 12am and will be me playing all your vocal garage bits in a nice relaxed atmosphere with no mc’s to kill the vibe, just cheap drinks and free entry. So please try and come down and support the cause, I will be getting a few mates to jump on and do sets for me. It’s not a rave it’s just a little mid week night out that won’t cost the earth and hopefully a regular meet up. If you want any details please just ask me, the bar is called BoHos its it lordship land in Dulwich by the Somerfield, plenty of busses and cabs to get to and from the bar, so come see us soon.
Last week I finally joined twitter, and have only got 65 followers, so I am shamelessly begging followers, so if you add me I will add you too pretty please, its very embarrassing being a blazey no mates on there, lol

Right that’s it from me this week, summers looking not so far away now so hopefully everyone’s moods will be better and more positive, as we all love a bit of sunshine on our faces.. So until next week be safe and feel free to drop some blog feedback good or bad.